Interloper!

There is an interloper in our midst.

I first noticed not too many days ago. I was enjoying the company of a woman called "Nana," who was hired to entertain me whilst Mother and Father took some leave I granted them. All of a sudden, in walked Mother and Father.

And the interloper.

He was large, as large as me, but not so giant as Mother or Father. Unlike them, his body was covered in this odd fluffy substance Mother and Father call "fur" and he wore nothing on his body as my loyal subjects and I would.

That transgression from the norms I have established was bad enough. To cap it off, he was loud, boisterous, could never sit still. Alternatively, he'd prostrate himself on the ground and be unreachable in coma for hours at a time.

It has been nigh on eighteen days since this interloper turned up on the doorstep of my kingdom, Eighteen days hence, he is still here.

Mother and Father call this blasted creature a "puppy," and keep waving at me screaming "Willow!" How..dull. I must admit, much to my dismay, that this interloper, this "puppy," this "Willow," can entertain me with his spasmodic running after this small round object known as a "ball."

I do not know how long this being will stay. Mother and Father say they hope it will be for years. I do not know how long "years" are but I get the impression it is a considerable length of time. I suppose I shall have to tolerate him. I have already punished Mother and Father with some rudimentary sleep deprivation. They appear to be remorseful. But, as a kindly ruler, 'tis with misgivings I shall allow this Willow to stay.

I am, after all, a good and giving King.



His Royal Highness Finn Aleister the 1st.

The Birth of His Royal Higness Finn Aleister the 1st (concluded)

It was not to last for long, though, because I was whipped away and placed in the arms of a different, harder body. This person had a familiar scent to them as well but I couldn't place it and I recognised his voice. I let him hold me while I waited for that giant to come back so I could go home. I tried to think of ways to find my way back into my warm cosy apartment and refill it. Where would I get enough water? I wondered.

Eventually I was moved around and found my nose tickled by a scent. I found myself being placed on someone's chest and instantly recognised her as the giant woman who'd kept my apartment inside of her. I cuddled up to her, enjoying the smell of home, wondering if I was going to be allowed back in or if I'd have to make a new home out here.

I heard more voices telling me that this was Mother and that the male giant was Father. "They're going to look after you,” they said. I started crying from exhaustion and found myself being cuddled and soothed. I somehow fell into a dreamless sleep and woke up still being cuddled warmly.

It was then it dawned on me. I was here as their new ruler. Every whim I had, every desire, they would fulfil. Mother was a giant but she was at my beck and call day and night. Perhaps I was needed for some special reason? Perhaps they needed a strong leader to direct their days?

Well, I could do that. I am smart person, I thought. I will be such a ruler that all the other kings in the world will look to me for inspiration, I will be firm but fair and command respect. It also occurred to me that Mother and Father may become tired in their never-ending quest to please their sovereign, so I decided that here and there, I would allow them two, maybe three hours rest, before attending to my needs again. I believed in charity, after all. A leader need not be cruel to be effective!

And I since that day, I have been a charitable yet demanding King. Mother and Father seem happy in doting on me hand and foot.

Mother is currently typing away at Father's "computer." Every so often she turns to look at me and make a funny face or silly voice at me. I find it all very undignified but I indulge her with a smile because I know it amuses her so and, after all, I am a benevolent ruler.

The Birth of His Royal Highness Finn Aleister the 1st

I have decided it was time to impart my memories of the day I was "born."

It had been a pleasant morning. I'd woken up, rolled over, had a nap. I was quite hungry, though, I must admit and the bellpull I'd been tugging on since before I could remember seemed to be out of order. It was most frustrating.

I remember murmured voices but that was nothing unusual. In my cosy one bedroom apartment, complete with daily hot bath, I often heard the murmur of voices and muffled sounds. I never considered them part of the outside world, they were just part of my world.

On this particular day, though, there were new sounds. Three voices I didn't recognise, deep voices. I could feel my little home compressing oddly and the hot water slushing around more than usual. It was a most odd sensation.

At one point, I felt myself being tumbled, like I was often, in a backwards falling motion. To my abject horror, though, something new happened. I felt a cold sensation on my rear end, as though a hole had been torn in my cosy home. I looked around and saw with terror that there was, in fact, a hole and not only that, but a pair of giant hands were coming toward me.

Well, I did what any sensible young man would do. I scooted out of the way! The more I tried t escape these hands, though, the more the pursued me. On top of that, the warm water that had held me all these days was trickling away, accompanied by a sucking noise.

I was, to say the least, most unimpressed.

All of a sudden, I felt myself being enclosed by these hands and lifted upward until I suddenly broke into this blindingly light room, full of strange blue giants and beeping noises. Like the sensible young man I am, I screamed.

I was carried through the air, wrapped in some warm soft substance and placed on someone's head. It was a warm, female someone with an incredibly familiar scent. Don't tell me I’ve been living inside a giant woman, I thought.

Her scent was comforting to me though, as it reminded me of home, and I calmed down.

The Diary of His Royal Highness Finn Aleister the 1st

Today marks the 70th day of my reign.

My loyal subjects, Mother and Father, continue to pander to my every need, though I must make my complaint at their slowness known. There are times I have been made to wait for as long as 30 seconds for them to attend to me. This will not do but as I am a gracious sovereign, I shall forgive their folly.

Father has gone on his daily quest to bring back this substance known as "money." It is of little consequence to me, I am distracted by the far more important pursuit of thwarting Mother in her attempts to "write." I have yet to see this "writing," as all Mother does is sit in front of a big black box and make clicking noises with this black pad.

Mother has informed me that I may take my royal nap now. Before I return to my chamber, I will leave you with this: I hope that this diary will be an accurate reflection and capture the important words of a new monarch. May your stay here be enlightening!

His Royal Highness Finn Aleister the 1st