More things I have learned about parenting

Since the last time I posted about what I had learned as a parent, His Highness has grown and, along the way, has delighted in teaching me even more (the hard way, of course.)

1. It is a truth universally acknowledged that if your child is doing something extraordinarily cute and camera worthy, they will instantly stop as soon as the camera comes out. 
2. This will also happen if you ask them to demonstrate their new trick for a family member or friend. They're like the singing frog from the Warner Brothers cartoon.
3. A warning to all parents in the first five rows: You will get wet. And vomited on. And pooped on. And still be expected to cuddle your darling toddler afterwards.
4. You will find yourself singing the theme tune to The Hoobs, Chuggington or whatever your child's program of choice is at the top of your lungs. Doesn't sound so bad? Did I mention you'll be in the middle of Woolies when you do so?
5. You'll find yourself speaking parentese. To outsiders it looks a bit like this: Child: (incomprehensible jibberish) You: I suppose so, but you'll need to wear old clothes and put a tarp down first.
6. You will find that spending money on your child is actually just as much or more fun than spending it on yourself. Except the part when you realise that adding the word "child" to any product instantly ups the price of said product. A bit like weddings in that regard.
7. Along the same lines, you'll keep boxes from deliveries for the kid to play with. 
8. You will find yourself really, really looking forward to Mother's Day, dropping hints and reminders to your long-suffering husband ad nauseum. You will also insist that it is not just a Hallmark holiday, but a well-deserved day of worship for all mothers everywhere.
9. You will eventually say "Won't somebody please think of the children?" Sorry, you will. But don't worry, you'll also learn to use it sarcastically. 
10. When you're with your child, you'll be counting down the hours until your next break. When you're not, you'll feel bereft and count down the hours until you see them again. Welcome to parenthood.
11. The older your child gets, the more likely it is that he or she will like something you don't like or understand. His Highness likes that appallingly nauseating remake of The Magic Roundabout. Do no get!
12. You'll be able to spot people who like children and people who don't a mile away. The former will the ones running toward you squealing in delight. The latter will be the ones running away squealing in disgust.
13. You won't be able to think of a 13th item for your list because you have The Hoobs theme tune stuck in your head.
14. Parenting doesn't so much get easier as it does become a learned skill. The hard part comes when you finally learn a needed skill and your child starts challenging you in a new and inventive way. 
15. Worrying about your child will become a new way of life.
    

The azure-coloured thumb of doom or What happened to the talented children's writers of yore?

Let it be known that I hate In the Night Garden with a passion. Let's go past the bit with the weird brown people with the bulging eyes that look a bit like stoned potatoes. Let's go straight to the really, super creepy giant blue thumb. That bloody thing just bounces around like a nauseating azure limb, waving around that red blankie like it's about to go bullfighting. Not only that, it follows me to the ABC store, to Dymocks, anywhere there are children or books it's there! I turn around and there it is, watching me from that creepy blue Gumby-like thumb head.

It isn't just In the Night Garden that bothers me (though it is the main culprit). There's also Boobah, which is just a bunch of giant blobs with eyes dancing for five minutes. Yesterday I found myself watching a particularly crass show, Mr Maker, that was obviously a poor man's version of Art Attack. The host was so condescending I could feel my IQ dropping.

The thing that offends me the most about these programs is not that they are nauseating or that I feel compelled to check under my bed for dancing blobs or thumb sucking, well, thumbs. No, what I am offended at is they treat children as though they are idiots. Yes, small children do have a fair way to go with regards to cognitive development. That doesn't make them stupid. Instead of providing blobs and silly voices for entertainment, why not include something that might actually help them to develop their cognitive abilities? Something that helps them think? I know that babies love bright colours and people making funny voices at them. But babies quickly become toddlers who become children and they need more than dancing blobs.

In the good old days of my own childhood I watched Mysterious Cities of Gold, Superted, Play School, Spellbinder, Sesame Street, Maid Marian and her Merry Men and a bunch of other quality kids' shows. Sure, they were aimed at children but when I sit down to watch them now, I don't feel spoken down to, nor do I feel compelled to take to my TV with a mallet.

Where did the writers of said shows go? Did they not pass down their knowledge to suitably talented protégés? Didn't they at least think to say "Hey, children are not dumb." In the Night Garden plays out like it was written by a stoned potato who'd just hammered his thumb.

I know there are many sound arguments against children watching TV at all. I certainly agree that babies would be much better served by mobiles and Mama making funny faces at them. However, not all parents ban their kids from the TV and since so many studies have shown how TV influences children, I think it would behove the writers to remember that their audience comprises of young people whose minds are quite malleable and able to take in and learn a surprising amount.

I know there has always been and will always be crappy TV shows out there. In the Night Garden is one of many. However, it seems Australian TV is currently overwhelmed by insultingly dumb programming for its younger audience and until the day someone writes something worth watching, my son’s viewing will be strictly monitored.

If only to stop the nightmares of that dancing thumb. . .

Things I have learned about parenting

1. You may only have two hands but remember you also have two feet and a chin to substitute.
2. Going to the toilet with the door closed is a luxury.
   
3. All parents are part of a secret club. When you pass another parent on the street or at the mall, you won't be able to help but smile to affirm your membership.
   
4. Unscheduled wardrobe changes will become part of your day.
   
5. Parent rooms are always a five kilometre walk from where you happen to be.
6. If you have a boy, change his nappy as fast as possible, stand back and keep your mouth closed. The day you forget to do this is the day you realise why should never forget to do this.
   
7. Your baby will always stop doing that cute, adorable or hilarious thing as soon as you bring out the camera.
8. Contrary to popular belief, all newborns actually look very different to each other. You'll be able to recognise yours by the fact they are the cutest, most beautiful and most perfectly formed china doll in the nursery.
9. Children come with a free pass to watch Sesame Street, read Where the Wild Things Are and tickle Tickle Me Elmo in public without getting a funny look from anyone.
   
10. You will not be able to walk through the mall without old people or clucky young women stopping you to coo over the baby. Sorry.
11. You will laugh at baby commercials idealising bath time. Your Johnsons & Johnsons doesn't turn your squalling little devil into a serene little angel!
    
12. You will find lists like this hilarious.