More things I have learned about parenting

Since the last time I posted about what I had learned as a parent, His Highness has grown and, along the way, has delighted in teaching me even more (the hard way, of course.)

1. It is a truth universally acknowledged that if your child is doing something extraordinarily cute and camera worthy, they will instantly stop as soon as the camera comes out. 
2. This will also happen if you ask them to demonstrate their new trick for a family member or friend. They're like the singing frog from the Warner Brothers cartoon.
3. A warning to all parents in the first five rows: You will get wet. And vomited on. And pooped on. And still be expected to cuddle your darling toddler afterwards.
4. You will find yourself singing the theme tune to The Hoobs, Chuggington or whatever your child's program of choice is at the top of your lungs. Doesn't sound so bad? Did I mention you'll be in the middle of Woolies when you do so?
5. You'll find yourself speaking parentese. To outsiders it looks a bit like this: Child: (incomprehensible jibberish) You: I suppose so, but you'll need to wear old clothes and put a tarp down first.
6. You will find that spending money on your child is actually just as much or more fun than spending it on yourself. Except the part when you realise that adding the word "child" to any product instantly ups the price of said product. A bit like weddings in that regard.
7. Along the same lines, you'll keep boxes from deliveries for the kid to play with. 
8. You will find yourself really, really looking forward to Mother's Day, dropping hints and reminders to your long-suffering husband ad nauseum. You will also insist that it is not just a Hallmark holiday, but a well-deserved day of worship for all mothers everywhere.
9. You will eventually say "Won't somebody please think of the children?" Sorry, you will. But don't worry, you'll also learn to use it sarcastically. 
10. When you're with your child, you'll be counting down the hours until your next break. When you're not, you'll feel bereft and count down the hours until you see them again. Welcome to parenthood.
11. The older your child gets, the more likely it is that he or she will like something you don't like or understand. His Highness likes that appallingly nauseating remake of The Magic Roundabout. Do no get!
12. You'll be able to spot people who like children and people who don't a mile away. The former will the ones running toward you squealing in delight. The latter will be the ones running away squealing in disgust.
13. You won't be able to think of a 13th item for your list because you have The Hoobs theme tune stuck in your head.
14. Parenting doesn't so much get easier as it does become a learned skill. The hard part comes when you finally learn a needed skill and your child starts challenging you in a new and inventive way. 
15. Worrying about your child will become a new way of life.
    

Advice for Finn

1. Follow your dreams. Not the dreams you think you should want, but the dreams that make your soul sing. When you close your eyes, you'll see the life you want. Follow that.

2. Never let anyone tell you you can't do it. Not a teacher, friend, your Mum or Dad (yes, I just advised you to ignore me or your father!) You CAN do it. Whatever you want to do is in the palm of your hands, you have only to reach for it.

3. Judge people on who they are, not what they are. This is a very important distinction to make. For example, never make sweeping statements like "All lawyers just want the big bucks," when the person next to you in the Woollies queue could be a kind-hearted person who became a lawyer because they wanted to give a voice to those who couldn't defend themselves.

4. Likewise, never let anyone judge you on what you are. They don't know who you are underneath your uniform or job title or physical appearance.

5. Love like there's no tomorrow and get your heart broken. It is a lot less painful to have your heart broken into smithereens and feel it'll never be whole again than to wake up as an 86 year old and find yourself consumed by the emptiness of never loving for fear of being hurt.

6. Be yourself. That way, you always know you are loved for who you are.

7. When it comes to sex, NEVER have sex with anyone without their informed enthusiastic consent. If you haven't discussed it with your partner beforehand and received a "Hell yes!" in reply, you don't have informed enthusiastic consent. Oh and if they're under the legal age of consent or very drunk, they can't give informed (even if it seems enthusiastic!) consent so don't go there.

8. While we're on the topic of sex, never let anyone make you feel you need to have sex to keep them or to look cool or for any reason other than you enthusiastically want to. Sex won't put a relationship that's gone sour back together and it won't make you feel cool to regret an experience you have, whether it's your first time or your fiftieth.

9. I don't care if you are heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual or any other word you can add to sexual. All I care about is that you are treated well and are happy.

10. Your father and I love you more than you could possibly know and will always be here for you. Nothing you do could make us love you any less so please come to us if you need help for ANY reason. We'll be here for you.

~

Now I've waxed poetic about what I'd like my son to know, I'm curious to know what advice you wish your parents had given you? If you have or plan on having children, what advice will you give them about life?

Writing Tips for the Busy Writer Mama (and other busy writers, because, let's face it, how many writers arent?)

1. Resist editing as you write.
One thing I have had to learn is to not stress about what I am writing while I am writing it. When I just let the words come, they flow and develop much more easily than if I stop and reword something at the end of every sentence. It's ok to edit typos, but don't agonise over every nuanace of every sentence. Remember, you can't edit words you don't have.

2. Participate in word wars
I'm amazed that I have only just discovered this wonderful little writing tool. It's literally revolutionised my writing practice and my word count has increased expontentially.

The beauty is in the simplicity. All you do is get together, either online or in person, with a writerly friend or two, set a time limit and then write like a maniac with extraordinarily fast arms until the time is up. I can get up to about 600 words per fifteen minutes when word warring.

If you don't have any writerly friends, you can still just set a timer and write until it pings. The word war just adds that extra incentive to crack your PB (personal best) and gives you more of those lovely words to edit into something worthy of a publishers time.

3. Switch off the TV
How many times have you sat down to watch a half an hour show and found yourself still staring at the telly two hours later? It's time to get strict. Pick a handful of "must watch" shows, shows you would record if you couldn't be there to watch, and switch the TV off the minutes the credits start rolling. Then leave the room to avoid the temptation to switch it back on again.

Along those lines, don't keep a TV in the same room that you write. If anything even remotely entertaining is on, you'll keep turning around to watch it. Keep the visually and auditorily distracting television out of the way. You're probably not missing anything, anyway.

4. Have babywearer, will write
I cannot tell you how useful a babywearer is. It allows you to keep your baby close, all snuggled up next to you, while your hands remain free. This means you can pretty much get anything you need to done, save for showering and bathing. As an added bonus, babies seem to love them, especially when they are old enough to face forwards and watch the world around them.

You know what this means don't you? Get yourself a wearer, pop baby in said wearer and get to writing. You and baby will love it.

5. Use parenting as a springboard to creativity.
Something about giving birth, whether or not you gave birth naturally or had interventions, seems to stimulate something inside. The ultimate act of creation seems to stimulate all these little creations inside you that bubble and boil inside you.

The key is to tap into that creativity. One day, your child or children will do something extremely cute, profoundly touching or incresibly stupid that is going set that bubble a'boilin'. When you feel that rumbling, grab a pen and let that bubble burst.

These little stories can turn into bigger stories or become the basis for characters later on.

6. Find what works for you.
For me, writing in the late morning when Finn is having his second nap works the best for me. I also find that writing around 7:30pm - 9:30pm a great time to tap into the muses, since Finn is in bed then and I'm usually still awake enough to make sense.

Meanwhile, some writerly friends of mine love getting up at 6:00am, writing like mad for an hour before bub gets up. Still more are up in the wee hours of the night, sipping a cup of tea while the hum of the computer keeps them company.

The point I'm trying to make, in an unnecessarily roundabout kind of way, is that you need to find the rhythm that works for you and your family. There's no use trying to get up at 6;)0am if you're not a morning person. Likewise, why force yourself to stay awake until midnight if all you want is your bed at that hour? Find your rhythm and you'll find your words.

7. Write.
Writers write. So write. Everyday. About anything. On any surface. For any length of time. For five minutes or five hours. Just write.

8. No really. Write. Stop reading this list of tips on writing and write.
It amazes me how many so-called writers spend more time reading about writing than they do actually writing. Do you think a cop would put on his uniform, pop the hat on his head and then cosy down to a nice book about being a cop, then call himself a cop? I doubt it.

Likewise, you cannot call yourself a writer if you get out your laptop, open a new Word file and then sit down and read a blog about writing. So stop reading this one and get writing. Go on, go. I can see you. Go. Click that little cross in the corner (or the red circle for Mac user). Go.

Get used to the idea that reading about writing is an aid to the actual writing and not a supplement.

9. Be kind to yourself.
Despite following all the tips above, you will find yourself not being able to write sometimes. If you didn't get to write today or this week or this fortnight, don't give yourself a hard time. Just sit down and write again this second you have a chance. Also, if you've got the flu, the baby is screaming and the dog wants to be let out, let yourself not write for the day. Take care of yourself the way you take care of your family and you will be able to keep writing for much longer and find more satisfaction in your work.

10. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't do it, ever.
You will encounter naysayers when you say that you want to write. They'll remind you of your toddler or the housework or the low pay scales. Don't listen to them. They don't know what they are talking about. When you encounter a naysayers just smile politely and let whatever they're saying go in one ear and out the other. Unless they're telling you that while you were writing your toddler set the house on fire with a pile of money, don't listen.

Listen to me when I say you can do it. You will do it. If you listened to me back at Tip 8, you'd be doing it right now. Keep people around you who tell you that you can do it and listen to them as often as they're willing to tell you.

As for the money, as any writer or parent knows, we get rewarded by something much more valuable than money.

Things I have learned about parenting

1. You may only have two hands but remember you also have two feet and a chin to substitute.
2. Going to the toilet with the door closed is a luxury.
   
3. All parents are part of a secret club. When you pass another parent on the street or at the mall, you won't be able to help but smile to affirm your membership.
   
4. Unscheduled wardrobe changes will become part of your day.
   
5. Parent rooms are always a five kilometre walk from where you happen to be.
6. If you have a boy, change his nappy as fast as possible, stand back and keep your mouth closed. The day you forget to do this is the day you realise why should never forget to do this.
   
7. Your baby will always stop doing that cute, adorable or hilarious thing as soon as you bring out the camera.
8. Contrary to popular belief, all newborns actually look very different to each other. You'll be able to recognise yours by the fact they are the cutest, most beautiful and most perfectly formed china doll in the nursery.
9. Children come with a free pass to watch Sesame Street, read Where the Wild Things Are and tickle Tickle Me Elmo in public without getting a funny look from anyone.
   
10. You will not be able to walk through the mall without old people or clucky young women stopping you to coo over the baby. Sorry.
11. You will laugh at baby commercials idealising bath time. Your Johnsons & Johnsons doesn't turn your squalling little devil into a serene little angel!
    
12. You will find lists like this hilarious.